I received an email from an online review system that I'm a member of, advising me that they would be removing my latest review. My first reaction was surprise. I often post on this site and pride myself for my reviews. What had I written that was so offensive that it had been flagged and removed?
Turns out, I had written nothing offensive at all, in fact, I had written an update to a review that didn't contain first hand experience, and therefore, violated their terms of posting. OK, no biggy.
But, my first reaction wasn't a "no biggy" response. What happened was my familiar pattern of bodily, thought and emotional response when someone tells me I did something wrong. Anger. My chest tightens, my breathing stops for a moment then becomes forced, my mouth clenches and my mind whirls. The anger only masks my real feelings- Shame. I'm ashamed when I feel I did something wrong. This is from childhood- it was a long discovery process to know this, but I know this. When I was young, I was often shamed into not doing something or into doing something better. I carried it into adulthood like we often carry childhood issues into our present lives.
The difference today from many other times when I've reacted this way in the past is that I noticed it was happening when it was happening. I immediately processed what was happening and called myself out on it. "Nikki, you're angry because you feel ashamed." Because I did this, I was able to make a different choice about how I was responding and how I was going to experience this. This awareness is not new, but the choice-making part is. Today was the first time I was able to immediately let it go. As soon as that happened, my body relaxed and my breathing was normal.
How do you react when you feel you did something wrong? What comes up for you? How does it feel in your body? How do you respond to yourself or others in the situation?
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